Does it get easier?!

I wish I could tell you that after my last post everything has been easy and that I've just coasted through life with the Lord. Nope. That's not the case. Like so many other things in life, everyday seems like a battle to not go backward. I have been burdened most recently with the reality that I'm pretty messed up. Sure I'm a "good person", I don't cuss, I don't get road rage and cut people off, I stop at the redlights and am friendly in line at the grocery store; but inside, I am really self-centered. I have been treating my relationships, including my relationship with the Lord, as if they are here for my benefit and to serve me. This reality hit me square in the face when I watched this video of a women who chose to marry her boyfriend after he had a tramatic brain injury and be his caregiver. After watching this, I had to ask myself, am I willing to love another person unconditionally, without expecting anything in return? Can I lay down my life for another? Gods' word is very clear on the subject: "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our livs for our brothers." (1 John 3:16) But can I do that?! To be honest the answer is no, I can't, not in my own strength. This is when Christ that is in me needs to be greater then my flesh. My desire to please the Lord, needs to come before my desire to please myself. And then the depression and feelings of failure come in… I can't do it… I can't love another that way… I'm a horrible person… and all the other lies the enemy wants us to beleive instead of running to our Father who can change our hearts. So, to answer my own question, yes, living for the Lord can get easier, when we finally acknowledge our inability to do it on own. Let me finish with a sweet Psalm the Lord provided me today as a reminder to live by the stream of life constantly. Psalm 1:1-3 Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit at the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law be meditates day and night, He is like a tree plandted by stremas of water, which yeilds its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers. May we live by the stream of water and be satisfied everyday!

FREEDOM

It's been over 5 years now since my last post. Like talking to an old friend after years, where do you start? Praise!… Let me Start with Praise to our God. He has once again "lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire, he set my feet back on the rock and gave me a firm place to stand.” (Psalm 40:2) Let me explain… Since I've written last, I continue to coach high school track and cross-country. Our track team won state in June 2015 and the cross-country team continues to shine as one of the top teams in Southern California. I have a new full-time job as the Director of Track and Endurance at Sports Academy right in my hometown of Newbury Park! I began a relationship with a wonderful man and am living comfortably with two amazing roommates in my grandparent’s house. Everything seems to have lined up well for me; God's blessings are evident, right? And this is where the truth comes out. For the last couple of years, I have slowly slipped back into the pit and find no joy in any of my accomplishments or blessings. It was a slow process of discontentment. I'm not exactly sure when it started creeping in, but I know when it became the most evident. Last track season, our state-winning season, was probably the hardest season of coaching I have encountered. Everyday I walked onto the track, I felt my confidence shifting, I felt defeated, and could not enjoy even all the victories during the season. I blame my discontentment on the demanding schedule, the “involved” parents, and burnout. This is where the anxiety began sitting heavily on my chest every morning. I can't begin to explain the heaviness and fear that suffocated me as I tried to mull over the workout plans, the parent complaints, the demanding emails, the long to-do list that was never satisfied. And the second-guessing… Oh! the constant inability to make a decision and then to trust that decision and needing the approval of others for each one. I didn’t believe the athletes’ success had anything to do with me. It was in spite of me that they improved. It was in-spite of me that we had any success. Yet, I blamed every injury and loss on myself and my inability to coach. A win wasn't a joyful experience; it was a relief that we won so I didn't have to be responsible for the loss. Any negative word or comment would send me spiraling down and paralyze me with fear. All the while, holding it together so no one would know the inner battle that raged; taking my own coaching advice: “Fake it, until you make it.” Even as I write this, my eyes burn with tears as I can feel the burden and see how the joy was taken from me. I survived the track season and headed into a busy summer and cross-country season. The burden of the past season seemed to subside as I coached a new group of runners at a different school. On this team, I was loved and encouraged by the athletes and parents. I didn't receive one complaint and I enjoyed nearly everyday of practice. The second-guessing would come but with the successes those feelings would subside. But the anxiety remained. It was my constant friend in the mornings. Sitting on my chest, reminding me of all there was to do, reminding me of all the areas that I might fail in, and all the things that needed my attention. So I did what any good athlete would do, I worked harder! I made sure that I covered all my bases and failure wasn't an option. Discontentment remained, so I started training for my first triathlon for a new challenge. In November, my dream job literally dropped in my lap. A new 90,000 square foot athletic facility was being built 5 miles from my house. I went for a tour and the following week, was offered the job as Director of Track & Endurance. I was ecstatic! All my hard work was paying off. It gave me stability, benefits, a team to work with, and everything I couldn't do on my own. My new relationship was growing at this point, and everyone looked at my life and said, "wow, Jenny, everything is falling into place for you." Yet, as the Lord was blessing me, I slowly became numb to any joy and happiness. Anxiety, fear, distrust, discontentment, and rejection overwhelmed me as the responsibilities of the job got bigger and then too big for me to carry. I can’t explain it. I suppose if you are the outsider, looking in, and seeing how the Lord has prepared me, you would think, “Why would she feel that way? She is prepared and qualified to do her job.” But Anxienty, Fear, and Rejection were growing like a weed and choking out any feelings of joy and peace. On March 9, 2016, I woke up in the middle of the night, unable to get rid of the heaviness, the fear, the lie that I had ruined my life, would never have rest, peace and joy again. I believed the lie that this was life, this is what happens when you grow-up; joy becomes a choice that you have to choose, not a reality. I spend the night tossing, turning and crying out to the Lord. I was done. I lay in bed crying that deep cry that comes from your gut. I came to the end of myself. I had nothing left and no one could help me. “Lord, please! Lord, please! I can’t live like this anymore. Give me peace, give me rest, give me joy. Lord, PLEASE!!! I woke up early, tried to go on a run, and ended up sitting on the trail in the dirt, with no energy to more. Sitting there I pleaded, “Lord, please come! I can’t do this anymore. I’m done.” I tried to go to work but couldn’t focus and was near tears all morning. I called everyone I knew that could give me words of encouragement. One by one, they all said the same thing, “I don’t know what do say anymore. I don’t know how to help.” In the afternoon, I got a call from my mom, who had called a friend of the family, Dave, for help. Dave is a prayer warrior. A man who listens to the holy spirit and intercedes in prayer for others. He met me that afternoon…we prayed. The following events are hard to comprehend; they are hard to believe when we live in a world of tangible things, of things we can see and touch. But there is another side we don’t see, another side in which there is a battle raging to destroy what God has created; an unseen enemy who systematically wants to disable us and make us useless. And he almost won. One by one, Dave and I prayed out loud to the spirit of anxiety, fear, distrust, discontentment, and rejection. Telling them to leave, they had no place with me and to go back to hell where they belong. And one by one the Lord answered my prayers. He gave Dave words and pictures to describe who I was and how the Lord saw me: a beautiful rose, not the wilted, dried up rose as I saw myself; a launching pad, ready and prepared to be launched with a plan and a purpose; a diamond that was covered with dirt but was being brushed off and sparkled again; and a runner at the starting line, weighed down by heavy chains around my neck but one by one the Lord was taking them off. As we ended, Dave said, “The Lord wants you to know that I’m here because He heard your cry last night. He wants you to know that He is here because you cried out for peace and joy.” There’s no other explanation for the events that happened, other then there is a great God and good Father, that wants us to live in joy and peace. A personal God, who hears the cries of his children and comes to our rescue. “I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.” Psalm 40: 1-3

"Failure's hard..."

"Failure's hard, but success is far more dangerous. If you're successful at the wrong thing, the mix of praise and money and opportunity can lock you in forever." -Po Bronson

This quote is on the inside of my medicine cabinet in my bathroom. It has become one of my favorite reminders that success isn't always the best thing. I think about this in regards to where God has me now. As much as I want to be a successful high school coach, I can't help but be weary that the success and the affirmation that it brings will "lock me in" and make me comfortable. If I become too comfortable in my own success with all the praise, money and opportunity it holds, I will have the tendency to not leave it if the Lord calls me somewhere else. I have to remind myself that there are lots of "good-things" to do in life, but not all of them are "God-things". Likewise, I have to face failure in the same way; as an act of God to move me in a new direction. When I fail, I'm comforted by the fact that there is something better for me. It is easier to leave my failure's behind so I can focus on new endeavors.

As I prepare for our XC meet this afternoon, I'm reminded by this quote to be humble in success and joyfully, hopeful in failure.

Panthers Nearly Sweep in 2nd meet

So, here I am after how many months? Eight!? Wow, where to start? Well, I'm back in NP and back into coaching. Definitely didn't think I'd be here but I have to admit, I'm thoroughly enjoying it. After a great track season at NPHS, where they made me the head coach of nearly 200 kids! (Nothing like jumping into the deep end after so much time away), they have now made me the head girls' cross-country coach. It must be the grace of God, because after dragging me feet at the thought of coaching 70 high school girls how to run (which was sheer boredom to me when I was in high school) I'm actually loving it! Who knew? Also, who knew that this young group of girls could teach me so much. The Lord has given me a heart to love them, and I am so grateful that He has.

One of the hardest lessons I've learned in the last few months is how unimportant track and field and XC are. Of course they are great tools to teach and help the athletes grow, but the actually sport has become less and less important to me. The individual athlete's, on the other hand, have increasingly grown in importance. I was humbled at the last meet by a thought, "God is not ashamed of us." He accepts us as we are, he loves us anyway, and He's extremely proud of our meager accomplishments. I thought about our last cross country race and how I used to get embarrassed by my slow runners in the back. What it comes down to is that I was ashamed that thier "poor" performance would reflect on me and I would be seen as a "bad coach". Ok, seriously, with that mind set, everytime we don't accomplish what we set out to do, the Lord would be humiliated and others would call him a "bad Father" because of our shortcomings. This is completely backwards. God, knowing our shortcomings, chose to be associated with us, hung out with us, teaching us some radical truths that we failed to fully get, then made the decision anyway, to die for us. Really?!!! And I have the pride to be embarrassed by a "poor" performance of my athletes.


It really does all come down to ridding myself of pride. It's not about me. I am convinced more then ever that I need to run my team like a "great experiment". I'm choosing to be radical, to not be the typical coach, but to demonstrate to each girl the love of Christ. Completely unconditional based on their performance and totally focused on pushing them into a love relationship with Him. Following God's way has brought success. The girls' won the last meet and are having a blast!:)

Lessons Learned...again.

"Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever". Psalm 125:1

Don't you hate it when you have to keep learning the same lesson over and over again? Well, it's only been five weeks since I returned home from a six month trip of a life time and I have fallen right back into the same routine I always have. I started up my business again and by week five, I have three full-time high school clients; I work with baseball players two times a week, two junior highers once a week; I have begun a preseason track clinic three times a week, and somehow in between all of this I took on the Head Track coach position at my old high school. Am I insane? Now, I'm writing this in my PJ's because oddly enough, I caught a cold!

I miss the laid back attitude of Kona. The "Just relax and all will work out" philosophy. I have struggled to hold onto the "relax and let God" lesson I learned there. I'm learning this lesson, once again, to take one day at a time and stop worrying about tomorrow. It's not necessarily a bad thing to be busy, but it's what my focus is that can pull me down or give me hope. I can not start worrying about the traffic, the athletes eating habits, thier diligence in practicing, the equipment order getting in on time, etc... I realize I have no control over any of this and as soon as I begin trying to control it, I'm a mess. I was reading about Paul's example today. When he was on his way to Jerusalem, the Holy Spirit warned him that "prison and hardships" awaited him. Yet he could triumphantly say,"But none of these things move me". I love that! Imagine Paul's focus, no circumstances of the present or future moved him! I want to live in that place where nothing will shake me! The awesome part is that I've tasted what that feels like and know it is possible. If I lack it, I lack trust in the Lord. He will take care of all our problems, needs and anxieties. That's a good reminder for me this morning.

"This is the blessed life-not anxious to see far down the road nor overly concerned about the next step, not eager to choose the path nor weighted down with the heavy responsibilities of the future, but quietly following the Shepherd, one step at a time." -Streams in the Dessert, Jan. 14

I'm not going to lie, the last couple of weeks have been rough. After the New Year, I began feeling weighed down every morning with the anxiety of finding a plan for my future. The realization of turning thirty this year only added to the urgency of having a "plan", a stable career with benefits and a prestigious job with a title as soon as possible. I looked for options online, the FBI?, teaching?, Law School?, Washington D.C. internships? As you can see, I kind of went crazy. I knew the Lord would take care of me as He always does but I needed to know what to do, what career to pursue, what the next few steps were.

Finally, on Friday of last week, I got some perspective. After an awful day of loneliness, worry, and tears, I headed up to a prayer meeting in Carpinteria where we pray for the missionaries that were sent out from our church. Talk about a reality check! It's amazing how lame our problems are when we stop dwelling on ourselves and turn our eyes to others and the Lord. After a weekend of spending time and talking with friends, the anxiety lifted and I'm again filled with the joy I thought I'd left back in Israel.

I came across the quote above this morning and was stunned by it's truth and accuracy. It is a blessed life when we are not consumed with worry about our future, when we are not eager to get a quick answer about the path we should take next, and when we don't allow ourselves to get burdened by the responsibilities of the future that we can't take care of today. As my joyful friend, Elisabeth, reminded me constantly during our outreach when I was lacking joy and contentment, "Jenny, Christ died for you!" We have no reason to be bogged down with worry and discontentment. The God of the universe loves us so much He died for us! Joy to the world the Lord has come!

God is in every tomorrow,
Therefore I live for today,
Certain of finding at sunrise,
Guidance and strength for my way;
Power for each moment of weakness,
Hope for each moment of pain,
Comfort for every sorrow,
Sunshine and joy after the rain.

Goodbye to an Amazing Season

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the sun." Ecclesiastes 3:1

These words have comforted me in the last couple of weeks as I say goodbye to one of the most amazing seasons of my life. We ended our time in Jerusalem on Dec. 12th and flew to Kona, Hawaii for a week of debreifing with our other classmates. You would think that Hawaii would be a destination to desire, however, for me, the opposite was true. As we neared the Pacific, I knew that Hawaii marked the end of an amazing adventure with the Lord.

The best way to describe my thoughts is to reflect back on your Christmas celebrations. I love Christmas. I love the decorations. I love the songs. I love the presents. And I can't help slowly becoming disappionted and saddened when the last present is openned and our dinner delicacies are devoured. I know that another Christmas will come, but I have to wait through another long winter. Needless to say, the same feelings rushed over me as we approached Kona. I had the overwhelming feeling that my family (my team) that I had become so close to was being ripped apart. I cried alot then I cried some more as I reflected on how amazing God was in providing so much. I just couldn't come to grips that this amazing time with the Lord in an amazing country was over. That's when a wise man told me, "With the Lord, Christmas is never over." Christmas, never over! Now, I have a new hope that while this next season in my life may not be in Israel with the same people, the Lord will continue to do awesome things for me. So for the time being, I'm back at home, starting my coaching again, visiting friends, praying a lot and preparing for the next big Christmas party!

Here's a few pictures and highlights of our last few days in Israel.
*I was able to spend time shopping, baking and decorating for Christmas with my friend Jill who is teaching at the Anglican International School in Jerusalem. On our last morning, our team was able to go to the dress rehersal of the elementary student's Christmas show. How awesome to see children of all religions and cultures singing "Our God is an Awesome God." Yes He is!

*Our team also got into the Christmas spirit and baked over 100 cookies to deliver to the hostel owners, shopkeepers, teachers and random friends we made in Jeruselam. Baking was the easy part. Decorating was a little bit more challenging. Here's some of our best creations.

*On our last day in Jerusalem, Haley and I decided to take the Ramparts Walk, the pathway that goes along the walls of the Old City. From that position we were able to see all four quarters of the Old City, Gilgotha, Via Delarosa, the Mount of Olives, the Garden of Gethsemene and more. We prayed as we walked for the city and the people we saw. Later that evening Matt joined Haley and I to meet up with Oshri, the young paratrooper we had befriended on the roof one early morning. He invited another former paratrooper and we were able to share our faith in the God of Israel and His plan for their future. It was an incredible meeting.
Shortly after that meeting we were invited to a world premier of "O' Little Town of Bethlehem" a film about the Palistinian/Israeli conflict. After the film we met the producer, Bill, an American man who loves the Lord and Jesus! We were able to pray with him and his work in the film industry. It was a day and night I will never forget! Please keep these men in your prayers!
And back to Hawaii, where we enjoyed the sun, friends and the abiblity to wear tank tops!